Sex Ed
by NeuroticBanana
Summary: Helga and Arnold are stuck in Anatomy class discussing sex ed. Things get awkward when the instructor makes everyone put condoms on bananas and the class gets a little rowdy. Time for confession perhaps, Helga? Oneshot.


**A/N: **So I got this idea about how funny it would be if Arnold and Helga were stuck in class with a person from Planned Parenthood having an in dpeth discussion on sex ed. I tried to make it as awkward as possible and was a little stumped as to how I would end it. I liked the ending I used, but it could have more added onto it. Maybe if the response is good I'll add more to it. Anyway, please read and review and as always, enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **All characters belong to Craig Bartlett.

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><p>Sex Ed<p>

The entire Anatomy class of H.S. 118 sat in their chairs, awkwardly. Today was the day that the class got to have an in _depth_ lecture on sexual education. Of course they had already had a basic intro to reproductive health in their sixth grade class, five years prior. However, this was not sixth grade but junior year in high school and an official from Planned Parenthood was here to talk all about contraception, STD's, and pregnancy. The woman had even brought 'sample' items.

If it wasn't awkward enough to just be receiving a lecture on all things sex, the official lady from Planned Parenthood had assigned the class into teams of two. Rhonda and Harold had their desks pushed up next to each other and sat looking awkwardly ahead. Gerald and Phoebe were stationed next to each other. Gerald had a blush on his cheeks, while Phoebe looked ahead eagerly. She was the only one in the classroom who didn't look embarrassed. However, the most awkward and uncomfortable pairing sitting next to one another was Arnold Shortman and Helga G. Pataki.

In front of each pair there were a few latex condoms, a banana, pamphlets on STD's (complete with graphic pictures), and a little booklet documenting the first eight weeks of pregnancy. Everyone awkwardly shifted in their seat as they waited for the Planned Parenthood woman, who had called herself Ms. Glee, to speak to them.

Ms. Glee smiled, her thin nose widening just a bit with her smile. "Now class, you may feel a little uncomfortable about the items in front of you, but this is important knowledge regardless of any misgivings you may have." There was a silence from the classroom until Gerald raised his hand. Ms. Glee eagerly nodded to him.

"Yes," she said smiling again.

Gerald hesitated briefly before beginning, "Well…uh…I was wondering why my banana…or the banana _you _gave me is bigger than everyone else's?" He eyed the classroom cautiously taking stock of the fact that the rest of the bananas were obviously a little smaller than the incredibly large banana sitting on his desk. Had Ms. Glee done that intentionally? What was up with that!

Helga sitting near Gerald's table couldn't let that one slip. Before Ms. Glee could answer the question Helga snorted and said, "Well doi tall hair boy, she's being anatomically correct, at least when it comes to racial standards," there was a snide smile on her face as she stared Gerald's way. Gerald glared at Helga and crossed his arms.

Arnold elbowed Helga from the seat next to her. "Helga, _that _was really rude. You should apologize," Arnold said to her with narrowed eyes.

"No way football head!" Helga growled in reply and crossed her arms. Harold chose that moment to speak up then.

"Why didn't I get a big banana? I mean, I'm big, so wouldn't she assume that I—" before he could finish Rhonda cut in.

"Harold, I really don't think you should be talking about this kind of thing—" Rhonda began only to be interrupted by Helga.

"Are you boasting about _your _own personal size, pink boy?" Helga looked to Harold with a mischievous smirk. "Anyone care to vouch for that claim?" She glanced at Rhonda who blushed and turned away.

"Helga stop!" Arnold said and grabbed Helga's arm.

"Don't touch me, football head!" Helga hissed.

"Helga, your racial remarks were slightly offensive," Phoebe began.

"Class plea—" Ms. Glee tried to begin.

"I want a bigger banana, it's only fair!" Harold whined.

"Just shut up Harold," Rhonda murmured.

Ms. Glee finally broke through the chattering ramble. "Class stop it! We really must begin the lecture. Please, put aside any questions you have right now and differences until later," she looked to Gerald then and smiled, "I'm sorry about the confusion with your banana, I just handed them out randomly…it doesn't mean anything at all."

Gerald nodded, feeling a little better until he heard Helga mutter, "Meaning she meant to give it to _Harold._" Gerald glared at her.

"Alright, now that we're settled. I've placed several items in front of you. I'm sure many of you are familiar with them, but I want to go over each of them, however before I begin with contraception I'll start discussing the basic concepts of reproduction," Ms. Glee said cheerfully as she turned to the board and began writing something down.

Helga turned to Arnold and sighed. She looked at him and then at the items on their desk and rolled her eyes. "Can you believe this football head? I mean we _did _go over sex ed in sixth grade, but NOW they have to go into depth and embarrass us with condoms and pictures of STD's. Yuck," she murmured absently.

Arnold turned to her as Ms. Glee began talking about how, 'penis plus vagina equals baby', and whispered, "Well I guess the school thought it would be a good idea for Planned Parenthood to discuss…sexual education with us since we're older now…and…potentially engaging in risk taking behavior," he flushed red at the words sexual education.

Snorting, Helga looked at him and said, "Really Arnold? Risk taking behavior? What, have you been reading the guide to abstinence?" she mocked playfully.

Arnold looked embarrassed and turned away from Helga. Helga sighed and again glanced at the items on the table in front of her. They were awkward to look at…no one ever really wanted to be confronted with sex directly especially when you were young and essentially still a child. Helga herself, hadn't actually had sex, but knew in theory all about it. Reading copious amounts of romance novels and spending her time writing romantic love poems made her fairly well acquainted with the world of romance and sex. She risked a brief glance at Arnold and wondered about his sex life. She was well aware he had dated a few times and she had done her best to breed unrest between Arnold and whoever his significant other was. Helga had also kept a close eye on him, but she could never watch him 24/7 and so she wasn't entirely sure. Secretly, she hoped that he was still a virgin…maybe somehow, somewhere deep inside of him he was holding out for her too.

"Now, that we have had a brief refresher on anatomy and what exactly makes pregnancy, let's start with contraception…so as you can see there are several types of contraception in front you," began Ms. Glee eagerly and walked between the rows of students.

Rhonda raised her hand as she lifted up one of the condoms. This one was very long with two ringed ends. She looked confused. "Umm…what kind of condom is this Ms. Glee?"

Ms. Glee walked over to Rhonda and took the condom from her. "This is a female condom, it goes inside the vagina and acts as a barrier method against sperm," she paused and pointed to the open ringed end, "this part remains outside of the vagina to cover parts of external genitalia." She gently handed the female condom back to Rhonda who held it briefly and then suddenly dropped it as if it had burned her.

Helga stared at Rhonda and the suddenly dropped her voice and grinned. She leaned into Arnold and whispered, "Guess she's never used one of those before!" She began chuckling quietly.

Arnold stared at her and quickly replied, "Helga, you don't know if Rhonda's having sex. I think it's rude to assume like that."

"Oh please Arnoldo, are you completely blind? Obviously she and Harold have been doing the horizontal monster mash for a while now, sheesh," Helga stated and rolled her eyes. Arnold just stared at her but dared to glance at Rhonda and Harold. Harold was opening one of the condoms and putting it on the banana with grace, something Arnold was certain Harold wouldn't be able to do if he had never done it before. He flushed a bright shade of red.

Ms. Glee saw Harold sliding on the condom and smiled at him. "Class follow suit with..?" She eyed Harold questioningly.

"Harold," Harold replied with a stupid grin on his face.

"Follow suit with Harold. Go ahead and take out one of the latex condoms from the wrappers and try to put it on the banana. It can be a little tough if you've never done it before," she motioned for all the class to begin.

Arnold just stared at the banana on the desk and seemed unable to move. Helga growled and angrily grabbed the banana herself and a condom from the desk. Arnold watched as Helga moved the banana upright and tore open the condom wrapper—with her teeth—and yanked out the condom. She turned to Arnold then and thrust the banana his way.

"Hold the banana while I put on the condom," Helga demanded.

Slowly Arnold took the banana and held it up for Helga. Helga began rolling the condom onto the banana with ease. Arnold wondered if Helga had done this kind of thing before. Across from them Phoebe and Gerald struggled with the condom and banana, managing to tear the condom on a rough edge of the banana. Harold had already put on and then taken off the condom and was now eating the banana. Rhonda sat next to him covering her face, apparently thoroughly embarrassed.

"Helga," began Arnold nervously glancing up at the blonde haired girl, "have you…uh…done, this, well, that is, a lot…I mean, before?" He blushed an even deeper shade of red. Helga looked up from the condom covered banana to Arnold. What did he care?

Pausing briefly, Helga thought over her answer. "Well football head, I've been to Planned Parenthood once or twice with Pheebs, and they have this penis thing there for you to practice putting rubbers one," she replied as she went back to securing the condom on the banana.

"You've actually been to Planned Parenthood before! Helga! We're only 17, in fact your still 16!" Arnold said in an accusing tone.

"Come on Arnoldo, I just said I went there with Pheebs, doesn't mean it was for _me_," Helga replied, clearly annoyed. Arnold then finally started to catch on to what Helga was suggesting. He glanced away from her and to Gerald and Phoebe who had opened a second condom and were now finished putting that condom on. He took note of their body language; chairs pushed together closely, feet touching under the table, fingers brushing each other, the little sparkle in Phoebe's eyes whenever she looked at Gerald, and the frequent glances Gerald gave Phoebe. Arnold blinked. Was his best friend sleeping with Phoebe? And if they were, why hadn't Gerald told him about it!

"No, Helga that _can't be_, Gerald would've told me about it…I'm…certain." Truth be told however, Arnold wasn't certain. Gerald was his best friend but that didn't mean he would tell Arnold everything. If Phoebe wanted it kept secret then Gerald probably wouldn't confide anything in Arnold. So how did Helga know? Certainly Phoebe wouldn't have told Helga, Helga who was a notorious bully, gossiper, and all out mean character.

Helga sighed and put the banana down, having finished putting the condom on it. She leaned back in her chair and put her arms behind her pig tailed head. "Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, you don't think you get told everything do you? Sometimes people just want to keep secrets to themselves," she was smiling confidently as if she knew so many more things than Arnold.

Arnold was silent for a moment, then narrowed his eyes at Helga and said, "Like you spilling the _biggest _secret of your life to me on the FTi building in 4th grade? That you _love _me? To my face?"

Helga instantly sat up in her chair and stared wide eyed at Arnold. She had been hoping against hope that he had forgotten about that incident. Though, a secret part of her hoped he remembered as well.

For a moment Helga was completely silent while she debated internally with herself as to how she should respond. _Oh my lovely little Arnold, you remember! After all these years you remember…why shouldn't I confess my feelings of eternal love for you right now? Right here in this…wait! No, I can't do that! Get yourself together Helga old girl, you're in class and confessing anything would be a very bad idea, _Helga thought to herself.

"That was all a heat in the moment thing football head, so forget about it," Helga said quickly and decided to bring up the topic of Gerald and Phoebe again hoping that would move Arnold away from this current conversation. "Gerald is allowed to keep secrets from you. Just because you're the goodie goodie of the school doesn't mean _everyone _has to tell you _everything_!_" _Helga sneered at him.

Just as Arnold was about to say something in response, Ms. Glee walked over to their desk and looked at their banana. Before either of the blondes could react Ms. Glee had picked up the banana and was examining it. Then, to the horror of both Arnold and Helga, she held it up to the class.

"Class if you could look up here to the banana I'm holding now," she paused and waited for the class to look to her, "this is a common mistake people make when first applying condoms," she paused again and pointed to the tip of the condom covered banana. The reservoir tip of the condom was flush against the banana. "You see, the tip must have space, otherwise the semen caught from ejaculation will increase the chances of a rip or tear."

Ms. Glee put the banana back on Arnold and Helga's desks and continued moving through the desks. The other kids briefly followed Ms. Glee's movements before looking to Arnold and Helga. Only a few eyes lingered on the blondes. Harold stared at them and then laughed while Rhonda next to him just sighed and turned away.

"Guess neither of you have ever _really _put on a rubber before, ahahahahaha," Harold laughed and pointed at them. Arnold flushed a shade of darker red and Helga scowled.

"Shut it pink boy, oh I'll take this banana and shove it up your ass," Helga threatened, lifting her banana. Harold stopped laughing and quieted and looked away from Helga and Arnold. "Glad that shut him up," Helga said with an annoyed sigh and tore the condom off the banana. She then promptly began eating it.

Arnold watched as Helga leaned back in her chair and chewed on the banana. Ms. Glee had begun instructing the class to look at the brochures, but Helga made no movement to do so. She seemed utterly disinterested in what was being taught. Arnold grabbed one of the pamphlets that said in big bold letters, GONORRHEA AND YOU. He wrinkled his nose and put it back on the desk.

"Helga shouldn't we be paying attention?" Arnold asked glancing at Helga as she devoured the banana.

"Nope, Arnoldo…if you take a basic biology class you can learn all about anatomy and physiology, and if you took a health class, like I did when I was a freshman, then you got to learn all about the wonderful worlds of STD's!" Helga finished and tossed the banana peel on the desk.

Arnold remembered the health class being offered when he was a freshman, but had opted not to take it for a physics class instead. Now he wished he _had _taken that class.

"I just wish this class would end…" Arnold trailed off and put his head in his hands. Helga viewed him curiously, seeing the potential for an opportunity.

"Well football head, I could get you out of here. Real simple. All we need to do is stage a scene. Like I feel sick and you come with me," Helga said and grinned at him broadly. Although Arnold was keen on getting out of class, he wasn't sure something like that would work. Then again Helga was extremely talented at getting out of certain situations…

"Helga I don't know if something like that would work…they won't let two of us go together," Arnold said rubbing the back of his neck.

Helga let out a chuckle and said, "They will…you just wait, and watch the show, oh and follow my lead," she then turned away from Arnold and started holding her stomach. Her face contorted into a mask of pain and she moaned slightly.

Ms. Glee turned her way. "Are you alright?" She asked.

"No, Ms. Glee! I feel awful…I think it was the banana I ate…oh I feel really, _really _bad!" Helga cried in an overly dramatic way; however Ms. Glee seemed to buy it. Ms. Glee bent looked to the normal Anatomy teacher who had been silent until now.

"Oh dear, I think this young woman needs to go to the nurse," she said urgently to the teacher.

Helga briefly turned to Arnold and winked, but without warning she quickly slugged Arnold in the arm causing him to cry out briefly. Ms. Glee turned back to Helga and looked worriedly at Arnold.

"Ms. Glee, I think Arnold is sick too…he at some of the banana with me!" Helga cried. Ms. Glee stared at Arnold who caught on and began grabbing at his stomach. He started to make little sounds of pain as well (although they weren't very convincing).

The teacher then rose from her seat and said with little interest, "Arnold, Helga, why don't you go to the nurse? Rest there for a bit." Ms. Glee nodded in approval.

"Thank you, Mrs. Rollers and Ms. Glee," Helga said and with great effort rose from her seat and headed toward the door. Arnold followed suit, but didn't look nearly as convincing.

Once both blondes were out in the hallway Helga straightened herself up and sighed. "Well that's over, and we are finally free from that joint." Helga smiled and looked at Arnold with a high degree of satisfaction.

"Well…what do we do now, Helga?" Arnold asked, suddenly feeling like an incredibly disobedient truant student.

"Simple, we wander around for the next thirty minutes until we have to go to our next class," Helga responded and headed forward. Arnold reluctantly followed suit.

"What if we get caught?" Arnold asked urgently.

"I'll talk us out of it," Helga reassured.

Arnold was quiet for a few minutes and watched Helga carefully as they walked the halls. She was still the one eye browed, pink wearing, angry blonde she had always been. But as Arnold looked at her he recalled a time several years ago when she had confessed her supposed 'love' for him. He hadn't really believed it at the time, and readily accepted her explanation of it being a 'heat of the moment' kind of thing. However, he couldn't deny the fact that there were certain things she did and said that made him reconsider her excuse of 'twas the heat of the moment.' He decided he wanted to bring it up.

"Helga…" he started and looked at her carefully. Helga stopped walking and glanced at Arnold. When she saw the look on his face she stopped and looked nervous suddenly.

"Yes…Arnold…?" She asked. Deep down she was quite nervous about the seriousness of his tone and the way he looked at her. It distantly reminded her of the way she talked when she spoke to the closet shrine.

"Well Helga, I know you probably don't want to talk about this, but I was remembering what I said earlier about the FTi confession, and everything," he paused and lowered his eyes, "do you really feel something for me?"

Helga felt panic race through her mind as she struggled to come up with a good excuse. "What…what'd make you think that Arnold? I mean really, feel something for you…that's, just, well that's just, not possible!" Her voice quavered a few times and Helga felt certain that Arnold was observant enough to at least notice it.

"Well Helga, there are things you do and say that sometimes really make me wonder. And your confession, I really don't think that it really was just a 'in the moment' thing, Helga," Arnold looked back at Helga and added, "tell me the truth, Helga."

Some inner part of Helga couldn't deal with Arnold's directness. She felt like she couldn't hide the part of herself that loved him private anymore. It had all come out years ago when he had caught her on the roof of FTi, and frankly now she was sick of keeping it secret. He should know…if he didn't respond, maybe she could move on? Helga didn't think that was a possibility, but realized then that she couldn't live this way anymore.

"Arnold…I…" she paused lowering her eyes, unable to meet his. "Yes, Arnold! Yes, I do love you! All of what I said was true on the FTi building! I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you! And all this time I've kept it secret…why do you think that I got _both _of us out of class? If I really hated you I wouldn't do that, would I? I hate that I have to hide who and what I really am, but I can't anymore! I LOVE you!" Helga shouted the last word and then in a moment of pure boldness, she pulled him into her arms and kissed him. Unlike all the young innocent kisses she'd managed to give him when she was young this one was much more adult like. Her lips pressed firmly against his, her tongue outlining the shape of his lips, her eyes squeezed shut in passion!

Finally she broke away from Arnold and took a deep breath, as if a great weight been lifted from her chest. Arnold stared at her, not in disgust or anything bad; in fact the only emotion that was evident on his face was surprise...and perhaps satisfaction? Helga felt a little bit of hope flutter in her heart. Perhaps it wasn't too late or perhaps he could love her…?

Arnold was quiet and then finally spoke, meeting Helga's eyes. "Do they teach _that _at Planned Parenthood?" A small smile touched his lips.

Helga felt her heart surge with excitement. He was flirting with her, he wasn't rejecting her…maybe, just maybe her beloved would finally return her love!

"No," Helga replied sheepishly, looking down and smiling a little. "They didn't teach me that at Planned Parenthood, and you won't learn _that _in sex ed." She looked at him. He looked back.

They smiled.

The End.


End file.
